Running..

the chaos of blue beads as they jangle in the halting sunlight of a slow afternoon turns her within herself... she's avoiding her happy place in her head coz she has a feeling this time it will ache more than soothe...

her highest highs... her deepest lows.. they've all come and dealt her blows...

she knows she'd stopped talking... she knows coz she was avoiding facing herself.. sometimes it's really easy to take the easy way out.. what she didn't know at the time was it'll hit her so bad when she does take the time out... she needed to let her guard down and just talk it out...

and after she'd done it she found her tarot card to read "Under the auspices of Strength, the professional environment is in your favor provided you're prepared to stop struggling and let out your fears to someone who's willing to listen. There's no shame in taking a bit of a break and allowing your guard to drop a little. Work out whom to call, and talk it over until things seem clearer."

and in the evening boss walked by just to check on her.. she smiled... but she knew she needed the time out and she knew she wanted to just sit and pour out her heart (ok.. yeah tears out)..

friday night turned to 'defect resolution war rooms' and by 3 AM she was pooped enough to just hit the pillow and sleep... the quiescence of a saturday made its way on her and as the rain clouds decided to pour down so did her tears... she misses him... in such situations he's always been able to just hold her hand even if he's not really understood it and she's been able to find it in her..

someone told her something profound... "you feel this way coz u care... the other folks don't.. they won't... there's a learning involved here... you've gained in experience when such things happen.." and then they said what she's always told herself.. "learn from it.. take it in your stride and move on..."

She knows she can... and she just smiled... :)

It's just that sometimes in life you're like 'this close' to giving it up... and then unexpectedly someone will walk in just knowing exactly what it is... give u one look to say 'i believe in you' and 'i am there'. Sometimes... that's all you really need to get back in the game!

"when exhaustion gets tired... when agony doubles over in pain... when defeat waves a white flag... i will still be out there.. Running... running to the beat of my own drummer... running easy."

hypercity

she's started coming back to this obsessively clean house with the quaint incense smells... she figures she does it so she's reminded less and less of him.. damn! who's she running from?!

oh well... once that tookover it was back to the normalcy of being able to run out to office without having a bath... cooking up an experiment in the kitchen.. and just sitting in the balcony to stare into space...

but... a parental storm is in the making... (yes they are coming... and to convince her to get married!) the whole world goes.. "so why don't you two get married..?!" (earlier it was family.. now it's work tooo!!!)

it's hard for most folks to figure she likes her work... they go "huh?!" and then go "~ sheesh! escapist!" or "omg!!!" or "workaholic!!"

how do you explain it that you like going nuts on weekdays and totally totally lazing around on a weekend with nothing much else to do except surf the net and order chinese food?! how do you explain that you like to look good for yourself and that you're in a very comfortable place being who you are and that you enjoy it without having to feel guilty about it any way?! (actually.. why should you explain it!)

oh well.. i hold my "peace"! ;)